Today was a yucky, sad day. Perhaps my body is finally catching up on rest from the past 2 1/2 years. And maybe reality could finally be setting in or the shock wearing off... I'm not sure. I have no clue what my body is feeling or what I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I am the queen of putting on my happy face and sucking it up. Most of the time, doing that is SO much easier than crying. But today I had to cry. I can only go so long trying to be strong. I am so good at holding in the tears and the pain until it builds up so much that I literally can't hold it in for one more second, and the tears just flow.
You know how when someone loses somebody they love, they say that a "part of them" is missing? Well, I know that for me (and I'm sure everyone else who has lost a child), that this "part" is a REAL physical part. When I say that a part of me is missing, I really feel like it physically is. It's not just a figure of speech. There is such an emptiness in my heart when I think about my baby. And the fact that he isn't here with me anymore just physically hurts so bad, almost to the point of nausea.
I don't know how else to explain it.
Tripp was my entire life. Literally. He was the reason that I woke up, the reason I took every breath, and the reason I did ANYthing for 2 years and 8 months. Even though I've been keeping busy and trying to do normal things to make people think I'm okay. I know I'll never be okay.
Will I go on with life and function like a normal human being?
Will I do fun things again one day without feeling guilty every minute while I'm doing them?
Will I ever be OKAY with the fact that I have to live without my baby?
I'm sure of that. That is a feeling that doesn't change. And no matter what I try do to "move on" (I hate those stupid words...) my life will never ever be the same. I will be happy in different ways, I know... with my great new man and all my wonderful family- but I'll never be able to get back the piece of my broken heart that Tripp took with him when he left.
I don't know if I have shared this with you guys yet, but I always think of the day that Tripp left my arms. I think about the moment when I knew that he was no longer here, but had gone to be with Jesus. I don't know if I could explain the feelings I had at that moment. I wanted to go with him. An instant feeling came over me and I was immediately not scared to die. I'll never be scared to die. It was an instant feeling that nothing on this Earth really matters. And that's sort of what I'm struggling with. Obviously I know that I can't choose when I get to leave this Earth (if I could... trust me, I would). But I just feel like time is standing still. Actually, I feel stuck in-between two lives. I have a beautiful life here- with a guy who treats me like a queen and would give me the world if he could... amazing friends, family, and support. I'm blessed that I don't have to rush back to work and I can take my time and grieve properly and get back on my feet. But I also have another side of me that is missing my little boy so much that I would forfeit my life here in one second.
I often think about the things I would do with him if he could come back for one day. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to play his favorite songs in his rocking chair again. Or to listen to him beat his drums to "shoo-fly" while fussing me when I ask him if I can drum too. I know in my heart that I didn't take one day for granted... but I can't help feeling that if I just had one more day, I could show him how much I REALLY loved him. Because it's so true that you don't know how much you love something or someone until they are gone. I never ever thought that I could love Tripp anymore than I did when he was here with me... but I can tell you I would give ANYTHING... and I mean anything... to see him again.
I know the time will come... but those words just don't seem to help right now.
I can't even bear to flip through pictures anymore...
I miss him so much.
And I've come to the conclusion that you can't fix a broken heart.
You just can't.