Monday, April 23, 2012

My pathetic posting...or lack thereof.

Well, it's been almost a month since I've posted, so I guess it's about time to spill the beans again.  I think I've been avoiding my blog posts because I hate being a negative "debbie downer." But I don't like to be fake, either.  I just think I'm at the stage (if there are really even stages) where I'm a little frustrated.  Ok, so I'm angry.  And I really don't like that I'm angry.  I just find myself thinking about things a lot more now.  I find myself saying "it's not fair" a little more (which isn't really like me).  I think at first I tried so hard to just shut everyone and everything out... and not even think about things because thinking about everything that just happened made me so incredibly sad beyond comprehension.  And I just didn't know how to express my emotions or sadness.  Actually, I still don't know how.  But I know that if I don't try, I'm going to explode.  

I'm at the point now where it's so hard to see little boys that would be around Tripp's age, with dark hair and dark eyes, hugging on their Momma's leg in church...  It's hard to think that at the age of 3, Tripp would have been talking up a storm, probably giving me hell because he would have been so spoiled rotten.  I want that so bad.  
It's hard to do anything without picturing Tripp there with me.  And longing for him to be there with me. 
I don't even know what he would have looked like at age 3... because EB took that from him and from me.  For the last year of his life, I didn't get to see his pretty brown eyes. 
It pretty exhausting holding things in.  And it's exhausting pretending like I'm fine. 
How in the world could anyone be fine after losing the only person they wanted to live for.   

That's why I finally broke down and found a counselor.  I had my first session with her last Wednesday and I have my second session tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping that if anything, it will at least allow me to let out my tears and emotions.  Because I certainly don't do that enough.   
The first session was mainly about us meeting each other and then me summarizing the past 3 years for her.  So pretty much.. me crying and talking, and her just listening... it went well.  I think she will be a blessing to me.  
The main thing that stuck out to me that she said in our first session is that I am putting up a "Me and Tripp" wall.  She said that by me not sharing my feelings (my TRUE feelings) with the people closest to me, that I am putting up this wall that doesn't let anyone else in.  And that's not good.  The people who are there for me everyday want to help- they want me to open up.  And I'm not letting them in.    
That is going to be something that I will have to practice... because I'm terrible at letting people in.  Somehow, it's easy for me to sit behind a computer screen and let you know what I'm feeling, but it's another thing for me to be able to open up face to face.  I'm just so used to having to "hold things in" that I'm clueless when it comes to "letting it out."  But I think it's one thing to share my feelings with the people closest to me (my family, Stephen, close friends) but I feel like I shouldn't be real all the time... or should I?  Would it help me or not?  Who knows... Like when I see someone and they ask me how I am, and my instincts say "I'm good... how are you?"  Then I think to myself... "of course I'm not good... I'm terrible, I just lost my whole heart... how could I be good?" I guess I just don't feel like it's fair to people for me to be honest about how I really feel.  People ask that to be respectful and kind, really not knowing what to say.  I hate to just "lay it all out" on them.  But then on the other hand, I feel like its unfair to me to have to pretend like I'm okay when other people still have their kids and their life continues, but my child is gone and I feel like the world should just stop.  
Is any of this making sense?  I will stop rambling... 

Today I spent 3 hours with some pretty amazing people at Amite Marble and Granite.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but it just so happened (actually I believe God planned this all along) that Tripp's amazingly wonderful pharmacist, Trea, also has a pretty amazing father who owns a marble and granite shop and makes headstones for a living (coincidence?... I think not).  
So, after thinking really hard for 3 months about how I could create the perfect monument to honor my baby, I finally got to design what I wanted with the most kind, patient and amazing people. 
That has to be one of the hardest things on the planet... to have to pick out a headstone for your child.  No one should ever, ever have to pick out a headstone for their child.  
But I know that you will all love what I have decided on.  And I don't think I could have picked something better than I did.  We only have the rough draft drawn up, and it will probably take about 4-6 months to complete, but I am pleased so far with what I have chosen.  
I can't wait to share it will all of you. 
It just might involve someone's favorite furry red friend...  

May 13th is Mother's Day. 
May 14th will be Tripp's 3rd birthday and it will also make 4 months that he has been with Jesus. 
Needless to say, it will be a really hard week/weekend for me.  
SO, mom and I decided that we are going to take a trip to Albuquerque to visit my sister and her husband (they are stationed there for 6 months before they move to Georgia) for the week.  Our tickets are booked from Friday the 11th to Wednesday the 16th.  Part of me feels so guilty for leaving this house at this time, but the other part knows that being here and being around kids, going to family parties and being around Tripp's things will be so hard for me.  It will be hard no matter where I am... so we decided that Mother's Day weekend would be a good time to take the trip.  

I had initially wanted to do something big to honor Tripp on his 3rd birthday- a big party with whomever wanted to be a part of his special day, attempting to also raise more money for EB in Tripp's name.  
But now I'm leaning towards something different.  I don't think I'm up to a big party where I have to put on my happy face and pretend like my heart isn't broken.  
So I decided that the only thing I want to ask is for anyone who wants to honor Tripp on what would have been his 3rd birthday- is for a donation in his name to The Butterfly Fund.  Mrs. Laurie Sterner and the Butterfly Fund are very special to me.  They play such a huge role in helping with the very personal needs of families affected by EB.  And I think that it is extremely important that we help in keeping her fund going strong.  And of course, I believe finding a cure and funding research is important as well, but I also believe that while we are working on a cure, keeping these poor families going is something that is just as important.  It's impossible to do without help and support.  And Mrs. Laurie and the Butterfly Fund were a huge support to us for the 2 years and 8 months that Tripp was here- and they continue to be a support to me to this day.  
So, if anyone has the desire to do something in my baby boy's honor and also in honor of anyone who has lost their life to EB, or anyone who is still fighting hard against EB- that is the only thing I ask. 
You all have always been so amazing and I appreciate it more than I could ever tell you.   

All I'm doing is trying my hardest to stay as busy as I possibly can.  Which I know is not always the best thing, but it's the only thing I know how to do right now.  I'm sorry for not keeping up the blog like I should.  I guess I just feel like I'm repeating myself and I feel like a broken record.  
If anyone has any great ideas on things I could do to keep up my blog better or things I could post about that you guys would be interesting in knowing/seeing (about Tripp or EB, of course:), please feel free to throw ideas at me.  Maybe it will help me with my grieving process as well (stupid grieving process... no one should ever have to grieve for their child).  
And I'll try to do better with taking down my "Me and Tripp" wall and letting you guys back in. 
Just let me know when you're tired of my "debbie downer" posts...
Thank you all, again and always, for the unbelievable amount of support.  
Thank you to everyone who has sent cards, emails, gifts, and letters of encouragement. 
It means SO much to me. 
I am so blessed.